Friday, March 14, 2008

Fourth Year Anniversary

I seldom blog about sad things and this is an exceptional case so that I can still remember what had happened on that day when I read back this entry. So here I go...

Early this morning, I got this SMS.

" 4 years ago, at this time, we were at St. Joseph's church praying for Mother. What a wonderful mum! Remember to pray for her. Maybe we could be getting her prayers for us instead. Luv, Uncle Steve now unbelievably in Melbourne at 40°C. "

Yes you were gone for 4 years. I just finished reading the eulogy I wrote for you on your birthday.

To me, it is just like yesterday. Everything happened so fast and I can still remember everything clearly. A week before the day, Mum called and she was trying hard not to cry on the phone. I knew the time had come. I straight away packed my things, called Mr. Yee, my taxi driver to drive me all the way from Malacca to KLIA. I had to pass my final year project to my team members and my other assignments to Lam, my coursemate. I had to call Shin to ask her Dad to help out with the air tickets. I just couldn't handle anything anymore. I felt lost all of a sudden and luckily I had my roommate to calm me down.

When I was in the plane, I couldn't stop thinking what Mum had said over the phone. Tears kept pouring and I can barely eat. Once I reached the airport, I could see all the gloomy faces surrounding me. We rushed to Normah hospital and there she was. Unable to talk and move. She just looked me in the eye and I forced myself not to cry in front of her. I moved away from her and then I started crying. Dad cried too and that was the first time I see him cry. Grandma had always treated him like a son. She was like an angel to everyone.

She aged so much from the last time I saw her. Why this is happening to you? I kept asking myself. From one mosquito bite on your ankle, the wound did not recover and it kept getting worse. It's your diabetic and your body was to weak to fight anymore. Mum said we should have sent you to another doctor for checkups before this. We were wrong. We shouldn't rely only on one doctor who only knows how to give you prescriptions. The doctor at the hospital suggested to amputate your leg but you sternly declined. You were strong with your determination. You were strong to face this and did not complain or cry in front of us at all. Not a single complain, Mum said.

The next day, you insisted to go home. The doctors couldn't help anymore and they said you have only a few days left. Back in your room, you seemed to relax a bit but you started mumbling. We did not know what you were saying. What were you trying to tell us? You hardly eat and you hardly sleep either. You kept looking at the ceiling and seldom blink your eyes. Dad said you were looking at those things that we couldn't see. Those things were calling to you, asking you to go anytime. Things were tough at that time. Then, a priest came and gave you some prayers and holy communion. I supposed this is the right term? Pardon me as I am not a Catholic. That was your last prayer and meal I guess.

That night, I stayed right beside you, reading Bible and prayed for a miracle. I prayed hard to Jesus, asking him to heal you. To let you live for a few more years. I prayed to Kuan Yin for her mercy. I prayed to every God I know. Mum kept asking me to go to sleep but I just said NO. I really wanted to stay beside you, holding your hands and watch you. I still remember clearly. It was around 5 in the morning and the minute I stepped out from the toilet, Mum was there, crying. She said you were gone and asked me to wake the rest up. I stunned for a while and rushed out to call for everyone. All of us went in and knelt down beside your bed. Mum said we should not cry out loud and we had to hold our tears. You should leave all of us peacefully. Mum kept saying "Ma...Follow the light and walk...Ma...Follow the light and walk ya?" and carefully stroked your hair. You were gone. You did not struggle at all. You left us quietly without saying goodbye.

Then uncles and Grandpa rushed out to buy you a coffin. I have phobias to see coffins and graveyards but I knew I had to face this. You had the nicest coffin. Uncle Steve purposely chose one with Jesus and his 12 disciples. That was the painting of The Last Supper.

Mum and Aunt dressed you up nicely in your favorite attire. Then we packed some of your clothes and things into the coffin for you. Because of your bandaged ankle, Mum had to force your feet hard to fit into the new shoes. She said you should leave the world with a pair of new shoes, so we had to buy you a bigger pair. Sigh. Prayers were said and I took lots of photos of you. You looked so beautiful and for a moment, I really wished you were sleeping. On and off I cried non stop. Dad asked me to stop crying but he didn't stop either. Everyone else was behaving the same way too. We just could not believe you were gone. Perhaps it was a good thing also. You can finally get out of the pain you were suffering.

That night, we took turns to take care of you. Doors were opened widely for unknown reasons. We had to watch out for black cats too. Candles were lit and I was hoping I could see you. I wasn't afraid of ghost anymore and I really hoped you can appear and talk to us. But you didn't. The next morning, the people from the memorial came and fetched you to the church. Priest said prayers again and you received lots of pretty flowers. We took turn to see you for the very last time before they sealed your coffin. Everyone was crying. Then, it was time to bring you to your new home. Little cousin kept asking where were they taking you.

They buried you slowly, putting the planks on top of your coffin. Your coffin was covered and soon, we no longer see it anymore. That was how we bid our goodbyes.

One week later, this was when they said the spirit will be returning back to home. Dad said during this period, your spirit will roam freely and you do not know that you have left the world. I don't know if it's true. We went to your bedroom and for a second, I thought I could see you. But I was wrong. It was just my imagination. You weren't there.

We went to your grave and saw the progress. It looked nicer from the last time. We shed tears still and said our prayers.

Mum said we shouldn't visit you that often anymore. We should learn on how to let you go. Although she told us so, I knew deep in her heart, she was trying hard to do that too. After all, she had known you for all her life. It was her whole 50 years of life and mine was like 21 years only. I was already that sad and I knew it must be killing her at that time.

We went back months later to visit you and was happy to see how nice your new home was.

Yes. You were gone for 4 long years but not in our hearts. That was the saddest day of my life. Goodbye my angel. I will miss you always.


Ă…ngele said...

=( Such a sad post.

I couldn't help remembering my grandma's death while reading your entry.

When our loved ones leave this world they go to a better place. I am convinced of that. =) And they're watching over us.

The grave in the picture is so beautiful...

Chev said...

Sorry to hear that. Even though she is no longer around physically, but her presence will always remain in your heart..