Monday, June 30, 2008

A great loss it is


I always wonder why God created people and let them die in the end. Yes, I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid to hear people dying and I always wonder where they will go after they die.

When I was a kid, I always asked my dad all sorts of questions. Do ghosts really exist in this world? Do they eat and sleep like us? Do they communicate with each other? Do they reincarnate? Then, my dad would tell me all sorts of stories. I was told that they are not ghosts. They are just spirits who left their bodies behind on earth and started wander around. Some decide to stay and some decide to leave for good. Dad said our world is divided into two by a magical glass. On one side, we have the humans and on another, we have the 'spirits'. Humans cannot see through this glass but the spirits can. That's how the one way glass works. Our beloveds who passed away can always check on us through this glass and that's why we need to behave ourselves. So, I behaved when I was a kid. Oppss. I just lied. =P

I'm always at a loss for words when I face this kind of situation. I'm afraid of attending funerals and hearing people die. I can only messaged her for my condolences yesterday. Hours later, I decided to give her a call and I was totally speechless when I heard her crying on the phone. Then she hung up on me. I felt terrible. I called Mum and she asked me to check on her again today. I couldn't sleep last night. I thought of my late grandma again and how painful it was when she left us. I cried again but I dare not tell Mum.

Initially, I planned to drop by her place to pass her some money (or some say 'bak gam') but she asked me to go over to her grandma's. I got lost on the way there (I'm still a noob driving in Penang) and I hesitated a while when she asked me if I would like to pay her grandma's my last respect. Yeah. I told you I was afraid. Sigh. What a coward eh? In my whole life, I've only been to one and I wasn't afraid because my grandma was someone closed to me. In the end, I felt relieved. There's nothing to be afraid of really. Silly me. I'm so glad that I paid her grandma my last respect. I prayed that she rests in peace. I bet they won't want to see us sad right, Sharon?

On the way back, I softly wept. Wept for the loss of two great grandmas whom we love very much. I can feel the pain that she's going through right now. It got me thinking. I should make the call. I checked my phone book for 'Ah Po' and I realized my 'Ah Po' isn't here no more. For some reasons, I did not change the entry to 'Ah Kung' because she isn't replaceable. And yes, I'm closer to my grandma rather than my grandpa.

While dialing the number, I thought of all sorts of questions to ask him. The last time I talked to him was like 6 months ago? (He was in Australia for the last 6 months.) I really lost track. Ah Kung said I seldom call him no more. He said it's been a while since he hear my voice. He asked when will I be back to see him again. I felt so guilty really. But I can tell that he was really happy to have this 17 minutes chat with me. The tone of his voice was really PRICELESS. I was glad I made that call. =)

1 comment:

PoiPoi said...

hmm.. i guess the most important thing is you are there when she needed the most.

is the heart that counts. :)